Where we go from here.

Sorry for the lack of updates on the baby.
This past week has been heart wrenching for me. I have never fought with myself as much as I have since we got the call about him.
I went from knowing it just wasn't time to picking out paint colors for his room. I spent nights crying over the time I would lose with just Josie and afternoons choosing the perfect baby name.
It has been a roller coaster.
After three days of flip flopping back and forth, I felt God putting a families name on my heart and was sure that it meant the baby was meant for them.
I mourned the loss of not having him become a Pope and emailed the family on my heart to let them know of the opportunity I felt God wanted me to share with them.
Two days later they wrote back letting me know that adoption was not the option they felt was right for them. I completely understood. Adoption is scary and has the potential of being heartbreaking.
As I read her email, I felt sure that the only other option was to bring him into our home, make him our son.
I let myself get excited.
Andrew and I spent an afternoon at Babies R Us picking out all the necessities to give him the best start possible. We came home and planned out what needed to be done to get ready.
And even as I was trying my hardest to get my heart fully on board, I just couldn't stop from crying every night.
Josie is still so young. And while I know she would adjust and that her and the baby would have become great friends, I just couldn't get over the feeling that it wasn't the right time.
And as I watched Scott and Amy hold their new baby girl, the realization of what a new baby in the house would require made me even more unsure.
All my friends assured me that everything I was feeling was normal, but I knew something was off. It wasn't that I was scared of not having enough love. It wasn't even a fear about our finances. It was just a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that this wasn't for us.
But I couldn't bear to say no. To wonder what ever happened to him.
So yesterday afternoon we called our lawyer to figure out what we needed to do. As I listened to Andrew talking to him I knew that something was off.
It turns out a private adoption is way more involved then we thought it was. We thought that since both birth parents were going to just sign their rights over, that it would not require much work from the lawyer or us. Turns out it is a crazy long process for the lawyer that would cost anywhere from $2000 to $8000. While we could handle the low end of that, if it went higher we'd be stuck. We haven't used credit cards in years and though we could borrow it from family, it just wasn't what we wanted to do.
Then he went on to tell us that the birth parents have 10 days to change their minds. And if they did we would lose our money.
We are not naive when it comes to adoption. We understand and fully support the waiting period that a birth mother has to make her final decision. I cannot imagine what it must feel like to hand your child over to another mother. However, $2000 is a lot of money to spend on that big of a gamble. A gamble that we weren't even in the game for until 5 days ago.
The lawyer did give us one option that would make it possible to run the adoption through DFCS and still let us be the ones to get him. But when we mentioned it to the birth family they didn't seem interested with involving DFCS.
So as of right now, he will not be our son.
I am exhausted and heartbroken over it. Even though I had such a hard time getting my heart fully on board, I was excited at the idea of having another child.
I learned a lot about myself through this all too.
I learned that I want to cherish my days with just Josie so that I'm more prepared to have another baby someday. I also learned that I'm OK with wanting to wait another year or so before having another baby. There is no rush.

The biggest thing I think I learned is that I feel like my ministry is more for DFCS and Foster Care Adoption then private adoption.
Don't get me wrong, I think both are vital and are a huge calling from God.
Throughout the week I kept asking myself why I wasn't jumping over the moon at this opportunity. To bring a baby home from the hospital and raise him from day one is a dream for most women. Families pay tens of thousands of dollars for a chance like we were being offered.
But not us.
A lot of families have a hard time with the idea of bringing in a child who is a little older then a newborn. But we don't.
I think God made our hearts that way for a reason. I think we are called to be foster parents and to adopt children that might be a little older.
Of course I would love it if we are brought a foster baby right from the hospital. A great old friend of mine is on her way to do just that in the morning.
But I'm also OK if our next baby isn't a newborn and I wasn't sure about that until this past week.

I do want to thank you all for your support over the past week. Each comment told me something different. Each one was encouraging. And to know that so many people were praying for us is mindblowing. I hope you all understand our decision.

Of course, things change. People change, plans change. So who knows what will be next on our journey.