God Winks

There are moments in my life where I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that God knows me.
That he is watching, preparing, weaving my life together.

I have lived a roller coaster life.

From the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.

He has brought me through an addiction to meth, abusive relationships, and self hatred.

He has restored me and lifted me higher then I could have ever fathomed.

He has honestly made all my dreams come true.

And although there have been numerous times that I have questioned him and his purposes, wondered if he had turned and run from me, my cup truly does runneth over.

As I was getting ready for Josie's party, I found myself aimlessly cleaning out our medicine cabinet (don't you do that before you have a party?!?!).

Taped to the door there is a florescent orange note card that my mom sent me a couple years ago. It's a prayer that she had in her heart for me.

While she asked God to grant me good health and blessings on my marriage, while she thanked our Lord for giving me to her, she pleaded with God to make me a mother.

She told God that I would be a good mom.

That I wanted it so bad.

When I received the prayer card in the mail Andrew and I had just gotten a clean bill of health from our fertility doctor a month before.

All previous scarring and disease was gone. Not a trace of blockage remained.

Yet we still weren't pregnant.

Three years of trying to become parents was wearing on our marriage, on our nerves.

My chart was marked "unexplained infertility" and we were told to just keep trying.

Try not to think about it.

Relax.

While I have always know my mom was a Christian and believed in God, she had never sent me such a prayer.

I cherished it.

I read it every morning when I opened that cabinet to get my, seemingly unnecessary, prenatal vitamins that made me gag.

As I cleaned out the cabinet on Saturday morning, I peeled back the tape and read my prayer. This time with a spirit of Thanksgiving for my miracle baby.

The one I didn't need prenatal vitamins to protect.

The one that I didn't find out about by a plus sign on a stick.

And then I turned the card over, like I've done a thousand times since the first time I read it.

My eyes welled up with tears as I noticed, for the first time, the date that she wrote it.

February 11, 2007

The exact day Josie was being born in the back of an ambulance 11 miles from my house.

How great is our God? That he knows exactly what plans he has for our life?

He was busy knitting Josie together in her first mother's womb, while he was busy knitting my heart in ways I will never fully comprehend.

Thank You God. Thank you.