Resurrecting Easter

Easter has long since passed, but I've been hanging out there in my mind.  Thinking, processing, searching.

My brother died five months ago.

I made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years.  Not without missing him and thinking of him, but without the hurt.  Since I was little I've always been a bit emotionally stunted.  My processor takes awhile to catch up with reality.  So this delayed mourning didn't surprise me.

But Easter was hard.

We had the best time dying eggs and having an egg hunt with our new neighborhood.  I was surrounded by family and got to cook and host.  We played cards and grilled out.  The weather was perfect.

But I was mad.

Felt a bit lied to.

Because you know that part of the Bible where they talk about how Death has lost it's sting?

It hasn't.

Death still hurts like hell.

And I miss him.  We all do.  And that's not very fair.

In year's past, I've celebrated Easter in a very personal way.  Each member of my little family was saved from a life that wasn't, well, this.  And that has always resonated with Easter in my mind.  Old things new.  Dead things alive.

I've come through this particular pain.

While I'm under no illusions that grief won't slap me from the side from now until forever, I can look at this particular holiday and not be mad.

Because it was a fabulous day.

Nora And Ralphie

A few days after we got home from Minnesota, Nora and Ralphie flew down to stay with us for a week.

Three days in, we decided that just wasn't enough time.  So they added 7 more days and we had the best time ever.  It was so good for my heart to have them here.  We spent our days outside and our nights eating, drinking too much wine, and watching every episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.  Nothing makes you feel more in control of your life than a good reality show.

Our hearts miss Aaron.

I look at Ralph and see Aaron's face on that tiny human and it hurts in the best possible way.  I love these two people so, so much.  I loved having them here with us.  I love/hate that we are grieving at the same time and that that allows us to just be together without a lot of word, or with all of the words, whatever the moment calls for.  I missed them the second Ralph literally rolled away at the airport.  Note to self: put the stroller brake on before engaging in a long hug.

 Plotting a master plan to move them next door to us as soon as I get the neighbors to move out.

Changing Plans

Hi there.

After three weeks of quiet, I woke up today itching to charge up my laptop and click all the keys.  It's been a nice break.  I didn't spend much time on any social media, which is my usual time killer.  Instead, I spent time reading and thinking and enjoying my family.  I ran and hiked and cleaned out closets.  We've had the best weather here in the desert, I even forgot to pull out Josie's Christmas dresses until right before the big day.  It's hard to think red and green when it's sunny and 70.

It's been a time of some deep reflection for me.  Our family, our marriage, has gone through some deep trials.  I've been grieving a lot of losses and feeling a lot of feelings.  It's been hard in a new way, but, here on the other side of it, I'm feeling glad at the results that are coming from it.

This year has been a doozy.

What started as a run of the mill trip around the sun took one drastic turn after another.  It's crazy to think that Gabe's heart surgery was only 7 months ago.  It feels like eons have passed between then and now. 

I'm feeling good.

Fresh, new, refocused.

But to get there, we have made some pretty huge life changes that I thought I'd better fill everyone in on before we get too far into them. 

For instance, I enrolled my kids in school.

I know.  It surprised me too.

Most of you weren't around when we first started homeschooling, but we kind of just fell into it.  I had never planned to teach my babies.  But when it came time for Josie to start, I just couldn't do it.  Our local school left much to be desired and I just felt like I could do a better job.  From there, we just kept going.  We knew we didn't want them in the local public school and the private options didn't seem worth the money.

And I loved it.  Even the hard days were full of amazing moments that I wouldn't trade for anything.

When we decided to move to Scottsdale, we started tossing around the idea of maybe putting them both in school.  At the end of the day we decided that it was just too much change in one year and that we'd keep them home at least another year.

Then, on Halloween, we met our neighbors and became fast friends.  And the more I talked with them about the local school options here, the more I thought that the kids would love it.

Our area does open enrollment which meant we had a huge pick of where we would send them.  We toured a few charter schools and a ton of the elementary schools and at the end of last month, I walked into a school that felt like home.  From the art hanging everywhere to the huge library and smiling kids in the classes that weren't even close to overcrowded, it all felt like a perfect fit.  Josie was so excited and really didn't want to wait until next school year so, after calling around and seeing what they were covering in the school right now, we decided that she would start after Winter break.

I'm a tiny bit anxious at how fast our school plan has changed, but also super pumped up for this new opportunity.  The school is so adorable, her teacher is amazing, and I know she is going to have so much fun.

Preschool and Pre K are different here than in Georgia so, for now, Gabe will continue to do preschool at home with me until he starts kindergarten in the Fall.  And, holy cow, my baby is going to kindergarten!

I'm not sure what exactly I'll do with all the time this will leave on my hands.

Part of me wants to go back to work, part of me wants to go back to school, part of me wants to sit on the couch in silence without a single person needing me.  I'm looking forward to getting to know myself again.  I never intended to be a stay at home mom that homeschooled her kids.  Like I said, I've never regretted it for a second, but to make it work I did have to put some of my life plans on hold.  I'm excited to brush the dust off of them and see what I can do with them.

So that's our big news.

My mind is feeling clear.  I'm making choices that have me feeling like I'm finding myself again after a long time apart.  The topics on Journey To Josie may change some.  There will still be cute, curly haired kids and more pictures than you'd probably care to see.  I want to share this new phase of life with all of you and I want to document every step of the way, just like I have since the first time I logged in to Blogger.

Our journey is changing course, but it's still the best trip I've ever been on.

The Next Big Thing

What's the old saying?

The only thing that stays the same is everything changes?

Yea, that one.  Well, we like to keep that as true as possible.

We survived Gabe's surgery.  It was rough, harder than we expected, but we all made it though.  So now we are on to the next big thing.

Which I won't beat around the bush about.

We are moving.

Well, hoping to.  First we have to sell our house and secure employment in another state.  And those two things involve a whole lot of little things so we may not be actually going anywhere for quite some time.

But sometimes the stars align and things move fast, so I'm spilling the beans now instead of a "Surprise, we moved!" kind of post.

This has been a mixture of a long time coming and sudden decision.  I know those two things don't belong in the same sentence, but it's pretty much the only way I have to describe the past two weeks.

Of course, none of my family live here so it has been a long standing dream for me to move from Georgia to somewhere closer to family.  I moved here from Minnesota 14 years ago in what was meant to be a Summer oasis from the peers of my Junior year.  I was mixed into some heavy drugs and the not so great activities that go along with that life.  So my parents decided it would do me some good to come stay with my Dad for a Summer.

Turns out I loved it here.  Got clean, met Andrew, and, well, the rest is history.

It's been a great 14 years.

I mean, just look at this life I get to live!  17 year old me had no idea the wonders and magic that were waiting for me.  Georgia has been beyond good to me.

Andrew grew up 200 yards from where I currently sit.

This town, this land.  It's his literal old stomping grounds.  His desire to move is more of the Let's See What's Out There variety.

In the past, we have gone back and forth about moving.

The intense desire in us was usually snuffed out by the fact that we have this gorgeous house on all this land.  We have friends that are literally irreplaceable.  The Divorced Child Syndrome in me feels extreme guilt over leaving family behind.

But there are a lot of health issues going on in my family lately and Gabe's surgery was the one that hit it home.  If we want to do this, try living some place else, there's no time like right now.

So about a week ago, we started packing up our house.

Right now it's mostly cleaning out closets and clutter and putting all our pictures in boxes.  The plan is to list it this week and just see what happens.  The kids and I will be out of town for a couple of weeks so we are hoping to get some showings while we are away.  We are prepared for this to be a long, drawn out process while holding on to a little bit of hope that it may go smooth and quick.

We aren't entirely sure where we will land once we leave here.

The current plan is out West.  We have been putting a lot of thought into it and employment and schooling options are the most promising out there.  No matter where we end up, I still have travel perks from my Mom's job so I will be able to visit the family and in the other areas of the country the same as I do now only in reverse.

We feel really good about this move.

I mean, it's scary and sad and not everyone is happy with our decision.  But it feels like an adventure and the timing feels right.

So that's our news.  And when you notice my house looking rather void of the usual abundance of pictures of my kids, you'll know why.

Here's to a new adventure!