Unstable

I've spent the last few days soaking up the kids.

I have to say that this sudden ultra sensitivity to how fleeting life can be has been an unexpected perk of all this yucky stuff going on.  I'm finding myself wanting to be more present.  To do more playing and hugging and do all the Mothering I can possibly do.

I'm also finding myself wanting to sell all my earthly possessions and buy an airstream so we can roam North America untethered.  I'm sure we could find supporters to buy our gas and feed us.  And in the next second wanting a puppy.  Andrew decided it's probably best if I don't make any big decisions for a little while.

Between crying over potholes and the mass toy purge I did last week, I'd probably have to agree with him.

We are handling the Surgery Countdown the best we know how.

Lots of talking and random crying and late nights tossing and turning.  But there's also lots of extra love and prayers and an intense desire to just be together, so it seems to balance out in the end.  

9 days y'all.  Just 9.

It's a strange feeling to be so very confident that your child will do fine, that they will survive.  And on the other hand carry this weight that feels like a bowling ball sitting on your chest.  There are risks and they aren't pretty.  Andrew and I are both trying our very hardest to not think about the what if's, but late at night, when it's just the two of us, sometimes those fears escape.

And I think that's OK.  

I used to be convinced that saying those ugly fears out loud gave them power.  I don't believe that anymore.  Now that we are actually going through something as catastrophic as this, I think it's normal and natural and therapeutic to just let it out.

Andrew and I are usually pretty mellow about Gabe's heart condition.  

That leads to other people thinking it isn't as serious as it is.  But it is.  He is missing two major parts of his heart.  There is nothing run of the mill about that.  His outward appearance, how active and happy and healthy he is, well, it's amazing.  But on the inside, his little heart is working triple time just so he can walk.

Lord, is he adorable or what?

There is a lot of uncertainty floating around my mind about my brother, my dad, my Gabe.  But I'm choosing to let it spur me towards being more intentional.  Being more present.  Arranging to spend more time with family.

Even with all this instability, when I sit back and think about it, this life is so, so good.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.  I have a lot of things I wish I could take back, get a redo on.  The other night I tried to go back in my mind and make different choices, follow where that would have lead me.  And no matter what I tried, changing anything meant I didn't land here.  Each step, however unsteady, lead me right here.  Where yea, my son needs heart surgery, but he's the most lovable guy in the World and my daughter can make me eggs.

When did she get big enough to make real food?!?

Thank you for your kind words last week.

Y'all have seen me through a lot of really tough life and I know you'll see me through this as well.

Now, not to be bossy, but go out and do some living today!