We pulled chairs out into the sun with the sound of sugared up children looming in the distance. We chatted about all the normal mom stuff. How the weather was unbelievable and weren't the kids all growing so fast?
The topic flipped to bedtimes and how ridiculous some of these kid's routines were. I happen to be raising the Queen of Bedtime Stalling so I had plenty of tidbits to throw out.
And then I said it.
"I'm a yeller."
As in, I'm all sugar and lollipops until you ask for the 500th kiss and ohmygod what do you mean you have to pee again?!?! then I lose my my center of gravity and my voice goes from nursery rhyme sweet to something that resembles a monster hiding in the closet.
It was a rare confession to a group of women, my mother in law included, that us moms just don't like to fess up to. Maybe it was the warm sun on my face or the five donuts I ate at the party, but I said it and held my breath.
I have participated in, but never understood the whole Mommy Wars thing.
This insane idea that there is a mothering style that is so vastly superior and every mother thinking that's her style. No room for grace or humility or, heaven forbid, an actual mistake.
So I was fully aware that admitting that I am capable of not only raising my voice, but all out yelling, at my insanely sweet kids was a risky move. But it's something I'm working really, really hard to change and for whatever reason, I felt like sharing that it was a struggle for me.
And what could have been meet with criticism was instead greeted with, "Me Too"s and "I hate that I do that"s.
Grace.
I know that I can come across as a unicorn chaser.
I'm sure the constant confessions of undying love I have for my life can seem a bit contrived, but it isn't. I mean, sure it would be nice to go on that honeymoon that we've been talking about for 10 1/2 years or to not have to wash stinky socks every day of my life, but if I'm honest, I even love that stuff.
I don't know when I went from always wanting more to feeling like my cup is literally overflowing at all times, but I did and it turns out the grass really is greener where you water it.
But there are still parts of me that I'm constantly wanting to make better.
And it feels good to admit it out loud to other women that I don't have it all together. That sometimes I don't clean my toilets for months and there are days I forget to brush my teeth before going out. I rarely ever know what day it is and I yell at my kids.
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There's a freedom in confessing. A boost in camaraderie.
None of us really know what the heck we are doing. Motherhood is just a series of "please don't let that scar them for life"s and we are all just doing the best that we can.
Everyday. Even if sometimes we yell.
* Pictures from our weekend where I did minimal yelling and remembered to brush my teeth daily.
8 comments:
Ummm... Me too!!!
I love how Gabe's red crocs are on the wrong feet in the outdoor picture! :) So cute!!
And, I am a reformed yeller. In fact, sometimes I say, "Please don't make me yell ... just do __________."
Love and Grace ♥
Amy K.
Confessing is wonderful! And like you said, when you do most times you are greeted with the fact that none of us are perfect and there are things we'd all like to change. I love having friends that make me feel normal. I mean, I can't even remember the last time I cleaned a toilet and sometimes Travis has to force me back out of the bed to brush my teeth. NORMAL!! If we didn't have these imperfections, think how boring we'd all be. ;) Love you Nicole - I think you are doing a fabulous job!
Nicole, I love reading about your journey into motherhood and have spent many a nights crying and praying with you. I am am a yeller too . . . thanks for being authentic and creating an space for other moms to be authentic too! For that reason I am nominating you for the Leibster Award. Check out my post here for more information: http://almostevelyn.com/liebster-award/
Looking forward to reading many more posts about you and your little ones !
Me too. Boys are loud. I do not always feel bad about it. Ha!
Love this!
As a preschool teacher, I'm not allowed to yell but let me tell you- if i could, man i would sometimes!! I do yell at my own kids and it seems bad to treat other people's children better than my own but the difference is, I can send those other kids home!
Another thing: as a preschool teacher i see a lot of different kinds of parents and i can tell you that they all pretend to have their ish together but they most certainly do not. I hear them lying about their children being potty trained (sure, if you consider putting them on the toilet every 15 minutes trained!) and i hear them lying about what they feed them or how they behave (sure, if cheese doodles are organic and good behavior includes biting!)
And another thing, maybe it's not great to yell all the time but I see the behavior of the kids whose moms get down on one knee, look them in the eye and say, "now, Johnny, that was hurtful, i'm disappointed." When Johnny runs off laughing at mom, maybe he needs a little more than that.
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