Not My Choice

I'm sitting here looking at the impossibly long eyelashes of this little girl that has stolen my heart thinking how crazy life is.

I waited, prayed, cried, and wished for years for a child of my own and now here I am with an overabundance of "Mommy"s uttered my way every day.

This life isn't fair.

It's painful and cruel.  There are parents without children and children without parents and bringing them together is insanely hard.

It took me exactly 12 hours to start to waiver in my solid, "she can't stay here."

Not surprisingly, my call for a good home brought in tons of replies.  Who wouldn't want these big brown eyes?

Reading through all the messages, texts, and emails reminded me of that rawness that comes with desperately wanting a child.  I remember seeing a child that needed a family and knowing that God surely meant that child to be mine.  And I also remember the disappointment of not having that child in the end.

And all of the sudden I'm faced with a choice that shouldn't be mine to make.

Where will she go?  Who gets to be her Mommy?

And who am I to decide her future like this?

When people ask how we do foster care without getting attached I always answer that I just know that my job is to love them while they are here and be able to let them go when it's time.  But that's not true.

It's hard.

My heart is already heavy, feeling the loss.  Each placement we've had has left an impression on me.  I love each and every baby that crosses my threshold.  But this one?  This one is different.

I'm going to be choosing to send her somewhere else.  Deciding that here is not her home.

And this one weighs heavy.  It catches in my throat.

As I was reminded by someone I admire and hold very dear, God didn't call me to be comfortable.

If it hurts, if it's hard and ugly and breaks my heart, but ends with her in a stable place, then I've cared for the orphan.  I've done my job and can rest in that.

It's insane.

I am not her mother.

I shouldn't be the one worried about where she goes.  Vetting the many very suitable homes that want her.  Wondering if they can love her even with the uncertainty that she comes with.

Just to be clear since it seems my last post on Khyla was blurry.

She is not up for adoption.  Her mother has every intention of taking her back once she is on her feet.  Andrew and I are helping her come up with some goals and steps to achieve them.  She has a long, hard road ahead of her.  We aren't sure if she will be able to take her back or not, but as of right now, that is the plan.