Gabe's case has been hard.

I'm being pulled, stretched, tested in ways I never expected.

I've felt fear in the core of my soul.

I have learned first hand that a Mother's Protective Instinct is real and unbelievably powerful.

And I've realized that our country's Foster Care System is seriously broken.

I can count on one finger the amount of times Gabriel's best interest has been pushed for.

Yup, one finger.

And that was the day they removed him from his awful living arrangements and placed him with us.

Drag him out for 4 hours right at naptime so he can sit at McDonalds with a woman he doesn't even know?


Allow a baby with a heart condition around people who smoke?

No problem.

Drag this out so that, after 12 months, there's still a chance he could be pulled from the only family he's ever known and make him live with strangers in poverty for the rest of his life?

That's just the way it is.

It's frustrating.

And the amount of times it's broken my heart and crushed my will?

Well, I'd need extra fingers to count that.

His case has been hard and it's left us with one of two options for after Gabe's case ends, deal with the injustice or pull out.

And we decided to pull out.

We will advocate.

We will work to change laws.

We made our minds up to seek out private adoptions.

So why am I sitting here, heartbroken and torn over the call to take in 2 little girls?

Two innocent lives that did nothing to deserve the Hell they are about to go through.

While I'm sitting here, trying to get clairity, asking God to make His will known loud and clear, I know the answer.

Passion will always win out over what's logical.

And I'm passionate about kids in Foster Care.

Sure I hate the system.

I hate court dates and visitation.

I hate parent aids and asking permission to cut my child's hair.

But the kids?

I love them.

The broken, ridiculous, make no sense laws aren't their fault.

They are kids.


And I can't stop myself from feeling the injustice they are going through.

I can't help but take it personally.

So while I'm 95.7% sure theses adorable girls won't end up under our roof, I'm also 96.9% sure we aren't calling it quits.

Because saving our orphans is more then just something we do.

It's our passion.

Please send prayers out for these girls.

That wherever they end up, they are loved and treated with kindness. That they would be allowed to be little girls.

That someone would be passionate for them.


Donovan Doins said...

Oh Nichole, I so feel your heart, and cried when I read your post today. My hubby and I came to the same decision after we finished up our adoption with our son.

God knows your heart for these precious souls and we are praying that the right home will open up for them.

1 Cor 2:9 But as it is written: Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.

God Bless You

Melissa said...

Hi Nicole,

I have followed your blog for as long as I can remember. This is my first comment. I too can relate to what you're feeling. We just had "our" baby leave to be placed with family. We had her since she was five days old and is now fourteen months old. Social services (NS, Canada) sent her back to family that they ruled out in the beginning. We too have decided to pull out, our hearts can not go through this a fourth time. Unfortunately there are no private agency options for us so we lose the dream of becoming parents, we feel this will be a little easier on our hearts then going through this again. It seems the system is failing kids on a nationwide level, it saddens me.

Linda Z said...

Oh, my hearts breaks for all that you are going through. Redemption is such difficult work. It makes me so grateful at what Jesus went through to pay for my own redemption.

Is there a possibility that you could work with a private agency that does fost adopt? Our agency takes children who are super close to being relinquished by their parents. This way the adoptive parents don't have to go through the months of "injustices." The children are rarely ever placed back with bio parents. I think it is so much easier on the heart.

I'm so glad you have a passion for making the foster care system better. This country needs people like you! Keep running the race!! :)

MyLinda said...

Wow your thoughts were mine almost two years ago. We did pull out after 8 years, the hardest thing I've ever done. My motto before we stopped fostering was "if not us, then who?". To this day when one of my fostering friends gets a call about a child we would have taken I have tremendous guilt and longing to help that child(ren).

We chose to go the adopt only route (still through the foster system)now and I'll tell you it's almost as heart wrenching. :(

Beth said...

Prayers for you guys! Our system is broke and so are the children. I cried reading this. Let me know if we can help in any way!

Kameron said...

So is there no chance you you guys getting to keep Gabe?? I will still pray that it works out, but I can imagine how difficult that must be to love a child and see their interests not being cared about by others.