Reality

For some reason, I just had my first tinge of reality. I think this is the first time I have actually felt sad that the baby we get will have a large probablity of going home. It's hard to imagine pouring into this little life, wanting the very best for it, praying for it, teaching it right from wrong, only to have them leave.
I know that what we are doing serves a greater good. That the child's safety and well being is what is important. But sometimes I just want to say...What about me? What about what I want? What about our family and what's best for us?
Sometimes it makes me so angry that this can't be easy. I just want to get a call that there is a baby available, go pick it up, and know that it's ours forever. I guess this is why people pay big bucks to go through an agency.
Most of the time, I want to do this just for the fact that a child needs a safe place. But in the back of my mind, I know that I want a child so bad. I know that I will not want the baby to go home.
I'm trying to think of B & S and how wonderful their adoption turned out. I want that. But right now I am scared of the heartbreak. I know it will pass and I will be 100% excited for whatever comes our way again in a few minutes. But right now, I'm a little sad. How is it possible to be this attached to someone you haven't even heard of yet?