Even Though I'm Not Worthy.

Mother's Day has ranked high on my list of holidays since Andrew and I got married.

If I'm honest, I guess even before that.

Not because of the insane amount of love and gratitude I have for the unconditional love that my mom has always given me (although that is a huge reason I celebrate this day), but because I always wanted to be included in this holiday.

I remember sitting at the Mother's Day Tea Party that my mom puts together every year (except this year. Boo.) and pretending that I was a part of the club.
I wanted to trade in my name for those three precious letters.

I bought baby clothes and baby bedding that I knew was just going to sit in a closet.
I searched for baby names and researched every pregnancy symptom there was.

And then it happened.
A chubby baby girl was placed in my arms and my heart hasn't been the same since.

(Taken seconds after she was placed in my arms for the very first time)

I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that Josie is all of my dreams and hopes come true.
I am amazed at the fact that all I have ever wanted can be contained in a 2 foot tall body.
All that love, squeezed up in her.

Mother's Day is different for me now that I spend 24 hours a day with my Josie Kathryn.
Last year I was a mom too, but most of raising her was left to her babysitter.
This year, it's all me and Andrew.

There is no question that I am her mom.
I change the diapers, I dry the tears, I pick the boogers with my very own finger.
I clean the toys, I make the lunch.
I read the stories and take all the pictures.
I get to tickle her anytime I want and fill my ears with that deep belly laugh.
I know her little munchkin voice and can decipher her two year old vocabulary.

I spent my childhood days playing mommy.
No Barbies for me. Not a single dress up outfit. Just baby dolls.
I was destined to be a mom.

Not just any mom, but her mom.

And as I watch her rock her baby dolls or pack up her dolls diaper bag before we head outside, I can't help be think of the mom that she is destined to be.

I pray that I can be an example of what a mother is supposed to be, the way my mom was and is for me.

I hope that when we lock eyes, she can see the tears that well up.

I want her to know that she is exactly what I always wanted. That she belongs to me. That she is mine and I am hers.

I know that Andrew and I will probably want to have another child at some point. But I think it's different for us.
We waited so long, tried so hard, prayed without ceasing for exactly what we have.

Mmmmm, sweet little Josie.
Baby girl who was born in my heart years before she was born on this Earth.

Thank you God for giving me such an angel, even though I am so completely and totally unworthy of her.

Happy Mother's Day. To every mother.
Whether your baby is here, has left too soon, or is waiting to be born.
Happy Mother's Day.


Anonymous said...

What a sweet post! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who buys baby things years in advance!